Hamster Testicles and Beautiful Healthy People

You know, you just can’t go to any old blog to find not one, but two completely useless stories crammed into a single relevant post. But thanks to the wizardry of the rubber mallet handily stored on the cluttered desk, that is what you find here today. Containing useless data from studies likely funded by your tax dollars, these stories need a home, and we are happy to oblige. Two research projects have just been concluded, with one showing that Covid-19 can cause hamsters' testicles to shrink, and the second telling us that more attractive people tend to have better immune systems. 

Trust me, the rubber mallet will make all this fit into workers’ compensation. I promise. First, to the latter. 

A landmark study has been completed that has found beautiful people are more likely to have stronger immune systems and live a healthier life than those of us who are the less fortunate knuckle draggers of the world. The research project at Texas Christian University had people rate a group of photos “based on the attractiveness of each person’s face.” Researchers found they “consistently rated individuals with stronger immune health as more attractive than other photos in the study." 

According to the results of this study, I should be dead already.

The TCU researchers hypothesized that, because certain evolutionary traits affect “mating success,” that people who are deemed beautiful may also be healthier, with that health contributing to their beauty.

According to the report:

Researchers gathered 159 men and women and photographed each one without makeup and while displaying a neutral expression on their face. Study authors then took blood samples from each person to measure their levels of white blood cells — which battle disease and infections. 

The team then brought in 492 other people to rate members of the opposite sex in these photos based on their attractiveness. The volunteers did not have any information on each person’s immune health and only had that one neutral photo to base their rating on. Results show people with stronger immune systems were rated as being more attractive by the 492 volunteers.

Well, aren’t they the lucky ducks.

In what would be a seemingly unrelated story, save for the magic of this blog, another study has found that hamsters infected with Covid-19 saw their testicles shrink. Well, we are not so sure the hamsters were paying attention, but the people tasked with measuring their testicles certainly noticed. There was also a correlative drop in sperm count and testosterone levels.

Researchers at the University of Hong Kong infected both vaccinated and unvaccinated hamsters intranasally and found that unvaccinated hamsters suffered “an ‘acute decrease’ in sperm count and testosterone levels four to seven days post-infection.” They also were found to have suffered damage to testicular tissue. This is said to have included “inflammation, degeneration, and necrosis.” The study also found that testicular size and weight were reduced after infection. 

I'm not even sure how you weigh a hamster's testicles. I suppose that is a matter left to the experts.

Hamsters that were vaccinated against the virus did not exhibit any testicular damage. They also blamed the unvaccinated hamsters for the pandemic in the lab and held them in tremendous disdain, believing they got what they deserve.

And this just in, 15 million unvaccinated American males have just made an appointment to be vaccinated at their local Walgreens. Joe Biden should have led with this study. 

However, panic in humans may be premature. Researchers also note that hamsters are “biologically different from humans in significant ways.” This could mean that the study is essentially useless, or at the very least might require further studies on creatures that have human biology; like, say humans. So, for the moment, there is no correlative threat to mankind.

Meanwhile, 15 million unvaccinated American males have just canceled or failed to show for their scheduled vaccination at Walgreens.  

So, to borrow a common question from another workers’ compensation blogger, what does this mean for you? 

It seems to indicate that beautiful people are less likely to have their testicles shrink since they have better immune systems with which to fight off the ravages of Covid. And since Covid is apparently only transmitted at work, and employers in many states are now responsible for all Covid infections, workers’ compensation professionals managing claims will not have to manage tiny testicles on long Covid cases, at least as far as beautiful people are concerned. They may still need to address this issue when ugly males contract Covid, but since, being ugly, their health was already compromised, they were statistically more likely to be vaccinated in the first place, thereby avoiding any concerns with shrinkage. And we can all be thankful for that.

We realize this was a torturous path to an epiphany, but it had to be done. No need to thank me.

It’s just what I do. 

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