New Office Policy

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Dear Admin,
from my experience I think practicing these behaviors will bring your dream of entering the Managers Hall Of Fame a bit closer. So here are myTips For Bosses:

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the business hierarchy, I am lower then dirt. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator.

Wait until my annual performance report and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating. I'm not here for the money anyway.

sincerely,

your employees