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+--- Thread: New Office Policy (/showthread.php?tid=5333)
New Office Policy - admin - 08-20-2008 11:15 AM
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limi t in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concern s, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
RE: New Office Policy - 1171 - 08-20-2008 11:46 AM
Awesome.
Attached is my notice of claim for 100% total disability due to serial progressive flatulence and my attys phone number thru which you can reach me from now on. The ADA compliance officer will be contacting you shortly for a response to my complaint. The US Department of Labor (FMLA) and the EEOC commission each will be scheduling a hearing date. please provide them with the name of your atty/law firm so you can be properly served.
my brother is with the Florida housing and code enforcement division. please have someone on the premise at 4:30pm this afternoon to accompany him on his inspection. Please make an extra copy of the citations as it needs to be filed and served on FED OSHA as well.
Guido Basskicker of Union local 227 is scheduled to meet & confer with you tomorrow morning at 9am to go over how union recruitment within your business will be handled.
Have a nice day,
The Managed.
RE: New Office Policy - jayne - 08-20-2008 12:17 PM
cute both of you
RE: New Office Policy - RNvic - 08-20-2008 01:03 PM
I use to work for companies that though like this.
RE: New Office Policy - Bummer Knees - 08-20-2008 01:35 PM
This thread hits to close to home (past employment)
RE: New Office Policy - Tuffy - 08-20-2008 03:13 PM
Now I thought working for ASK A NURSE COMPANY was bad, You Admin have really taken the cake........... ROTFLMAO
Will we be allowed to visit the office come May of next year??????????
RE: New Office Policy - admin - 08-20-2008 05:08 PM
Tuffy, you will be welcome to visit our offices. A warning, it is on the second floor, with no elevator. (That's right, not ADA compliant. For Gods sake DON'T tell 1171!)
1171 - as a long time manager with HR experience, I am ROTFLMAO!
RE: New Office Policy - RNvic - 08-20-2008 05:12 PM
Admin are you using those stairs as a exercise program for your staff?
RE: New Office Policy - admin - 08-20-2008 09:42 PM
Absolutely. We don't tolerate lazy, slovenly behavior here! (Except for my own, of course)
Actually, our current offices are on 2 floors, but we are moving next week into a new office that puts us all on the same floor. It is a completely refurbished 1920's "Ringling era" building, and we are pretty excited about it. (John Ringling, of Ringling circus fame, was an early developer in this area. Our new offices are across the street from where the Ringling Towers Hotel once stood, now the site of the Ritz Carlton) But alas, we will be occupying the second floor of the building, not the first.
RE: New Office Policy - Tuffy - 08-20-2008 10:02 PM
Admin, I think you offering an exercise program for your employees is a wonderfull, thoughtfull thing to do. It could be part of your health insurance policy. LOL
I thought Ringlings winter quaters were really in Venice, not Sarasota. That was what I was told when I lived there. Down by the airport?????????off of 41..........
Congrats on your new digs, let us know when you are in and settled. We as a group would help you move, but ya know how it is with our injuries and all ROTFL